I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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