I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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