I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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