I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
