Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize