Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
