I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
