Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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