whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
