new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
