i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
