Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dicks are not precious.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
