What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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