Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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