cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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