Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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