my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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