You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
pray to the hookup gods
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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