I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
