Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
