i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
