dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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