Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
