im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
