She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
