Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
