I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
