Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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