people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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