so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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