yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
