If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
