"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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