were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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