Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
