I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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