i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
