Just fell off a train. Bad.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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