i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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