Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The air was thick with penises
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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