Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The air was thick with penises
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
