Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Randomize
