Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
