Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
