I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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