in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
