Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
