I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
