my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
