I'm lost and stupid without you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
