I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
