if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize