did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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