Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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