The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
