i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My boob is missing a layer of skin
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
