11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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