Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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