After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
