fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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