WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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