you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
