God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
